Guilt .. is a four letter word!

I need to type..
To get out what is eating me alive from the inside out...

I need to release the vicious animal inside of me...

Two major secrets that have shaped, formed, defined, destroyed my life!
and I can't speak of them!

because of them( I know now) that I have always  feared, relished, yearned for ..
a meaningful relationship, an understanding, a feeling of being loved and accepted.

None of which I have ever had , that I know of..


The feeling that I have always had and been able to define  easily and frequently is GUILT!!!

GUILT.. at not being the perfect daughter
GUILT..at not knowing who I was
GUILT...at not always being right
GUILT.. at disappointing  those that I Love
GUILT ..at failing everyone in everyway

even now I have guilt for not being able to tell the person I love the most why I left bed  in the middle of the night to share my inner most thoughts and feelings with this blog and not him!!

I know that "things" were not my fault!
I know that there are things that have happened in my life that I had NO control over and that no matter what I did they still would have happened!!
So why the GUILT???

I need to feel..
I need to emote..
I need to talk...
I need to stop hiding my true emotions!!



I WAS A CHILD... I WASN'T TO BLAME!!
I HAD NO PART IN HIS DEATH...IT WAS OUT OF MY HANDS!!
I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE IMPERFECT!!
I AM HUMAN, WITH BLOOD, FLESH, A HEART, SOUL , & EMOTIONS  DAMMIT!!!



I MISS HIM UNBELIEVABLY !!!
I MISS MY CHILDHOOD I NEVER HAD!!
I MISS THE OPPORTUNITIES THAT I MISSED OUT ON BECAUSE I FELT I DIDN'T DESERVE THEM!!
I MISS MY DAUGHTER!!
I MISS MY SONS!!
I MISS MY GRANDMOTHER!!

BUT...
I don't miss me......

  you can't miss what you never had or knew????


Guilt is a four letter word....
           and I'm tired of cursing!!!!