WHY???

Maybe typing about it will help me to figure out  what I am doing wrong!!!

I am trying to squash another "what-if"...
     Not feeling the support..
maybe it's me but it is how I feel!!

Feeling like the few pounds I have put on ( due to stress)  are the big focus lately!!
     begging for intimacy does nothing for self esteem !!
Maybe it isn't meant that way.. but it's how I feel!!

feeling like I am no longer  desirable, or attractive is tough enough without being made  to feel like a object to be laughed at!!

I'm tired of being told I am  being " negative", a "bitch", or " must be pmsing"  just because I am not  mary sunshine all the time!!!

I am allowed to have an "off " day !!
I am human!
I have bad days!
I have issues!
I have feelings!!
I have the right to say how I feel without being treated like I am nothing but a "negative, PMSing, bitch"!!

AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!

I have gone on a diet
I have quit smoking
I have tried getting healthier

and I'm doing it for me.. or so I thought.
so why does what he says and does and how he acts effect me so much!!

Why is it so hard to put into words to him  how his words and actions make me feel!!

Why do I feel so alone right now???
Why do I feel like I have no one that I can truly talk to ???
Why do I feel like I have no control over my life right now???

I am having strange, vivid dreams ( nightmares)
I am feeling " less- than"
I am feeling as if my every move is being watched
I am feeling like I am on the edge again!!!!

Why ..
I may never know!!!!!!