Step 1...

The silence is killing me!!!
I have a million things that I am saying in my head to you!!
The ticking of the clock is unbearable
The lump in my throat is painful

I have soooo much I want to tell you, to explain..

I'm using again!
Not drugs, but I am substituting  other things....
food, control, sex....

I want so bad to be able to sit and tell you all about it  but the minute I open my mouth everything jumps out making no sense what so ever.
I try to type it all out but for some reason what is in my head never sounds right outside of my head!!

I'm not trying to be a silent bitch!!
I don't know why it is so hard for me to open up to you now when it never was in the past??
I need to get this outta my head and heart.
My head is pounding
the pain in my chest is crushing!
I need to get it out before it eats me alive!
I need understanding
I need to know that someone out there sees the pain in my eyes and drags it out of me!!

I need to let go
I need to take it easy
I need to hand it all over to the HP!!

I need a meeting of the minds...

                      so I am going!

I admit that I am powerless over my addiction and my life has become unmanageable !!

now for step 2!

Here it is..;

you want to know what is wrong???   well here it all is..

I feel like every time I open my mouth to talk about anything ( work, kids, etc)  I annoy you!

I don't feel like I can talk to you about anything.

I feel like I have to walk on eggshells lately.

I don't feel like you are happy.

I know you have been stressed about work 

I know that you have been stressed about bills

I know you have been stressed about Ex issues

I don't feel like you think you can talk to me and it's been this way for a while!

I don't think you realize how your actions or lack of actions hurt.

I feel alone!

I feel cut off from everyone and everything

I feel like my feelings are being dismissed

I feel like I am an intruder in your world

I have been drinking more.

I have been eating more.

I have been falling back into old habits.

I don't like what I am becoming.

I feel like my wants, needs, and dreams have taken a back seat.

I am gonna work on me now...

I am gonna focus on what I need to do to have what I want

I am gonna figure out exactly what it is I want

I am gonna work on me the only thing I can work on.

I want this to work but get the feeing you don't

It took a while for things to get like this.. it's gonna take awhile to fix it.

under construction...

That's it... the order just came out ...
The heart is going back in it's  steel box, the key hidden, and the wall put up again and reenforced!!

I'm tired of trusting someone with it and regretting it!

I deserve to be loved unconditionally!
I deserve to be happy!!

I am tired of having to be the strong one.
I am tired of being the whipping board!

I can no longer focus on anyone else...
Total focus on me now....
selfish??  maybe...
but necessary!!

If I don't do this I won't be around the next time..
I can't be there for anyone else If I am not here...

So sorry but the open sign has been turned off and will stay off for as long as needed!!

there is a new sign up...

CLOSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE!
UNDER CONSTRUCTION!

WHY???

Maybe typing about it will help me to figure out  what I am doing wrong!!!

I am trying to squash another "what-if"...
     Not feeling the support..
maybe it's me but it is how I feel!!

Feeling like the few pounds I have put on ( due to stress)  are the big focus lately!!
     begging for intimacy does nothing for self esteem !!
Maybe it isn't meant that way.. but it's how I feel!!

feeling like I am no longer  desirable, or attractive is tough enough without being made  to feel like a object to be laughed at!!

I'm tired of being told I am  being " negative", a "bitch", or " must be pmsing"  just because I am not  mary sunshine all the time!!!

I am allowed to have an "off " day !!
I am human!
I have bad days!
I have issues!
I have feelings!!
I have the right to say how I feel without being treated like I am nothing but a "negative, PMSing, bitch"!!

AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!

I have gone on a diet
I have quit smoking
I have tried getting healthier

and I'm doing it for me.. or so I thought.
so why does what he says and does and how he acts effect me so much!!

Why is it so hard to put into words to him  how his words and actions make me feel!!

Why do I feel so alone right now???
Why do I feel like I have no one that I can truly talk to ???
Why do I feel like I have no control over my life right now???

I am having strange, vivid dreams ( nightmares)
I am feeling " less- than"
I am feeling as if my every move is being watched
I am feeling like I am on the edge again!!!!

Why ..
I may never know!!!!!!

Guilt .. is a four letter word!

I need to type..
To get out what is eating me alive from the inside out...

I need to release the vicious animal inside of me...

Two major secrets that have shaped, formed, defined, destroyed my life!
and I can't speak of them!

because of them( I know now) that I have always  feared, relished, yearned for ..
a meaningful relationship, an understanding, a feeling of being loved and accepted.

None of which I have ever had , that I know of..


The feeling that I have always had and been able to define  easily and frequently is GUILT!!!

GUILT.. at not being the perfect daughter
GUILT..at not knowing who I was
GUILT...at not always being right
GUILT.. at disappointing  those that I Love
GUILT ..at failing everyone in everyway

even now I have guilt for not being able to tell the person I love the most why I left bed  in the middle of the night to share my inner most thoughts and feelings with this blog and not him!!

I know that "things" were not my fault!
I know that there are things that have happened in my life that I had NO control over and that no matter what I did they still would have happened!!
So why the GUILT???

I need to feel..
I need to emote..
I need to talk...
I need to stop hiding my true emotions!!



I WAS A CHILD... I WASN'T TO BLAME!!
I HAD NO PART IN HIS DEATH...IT WAS OUT OF MY HANDS!!
I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE IMPERFECT!!
I AM HUMAN, WITH BLOOD, FLESH, A HEART, SOUL , & EMOTIONS  DAMMIT!!!



I MISS HIM UNBELIEVABLY !!!
I MISS MY CHILDHOOD I NEVER HAD!!
I MISS THE OPPORTUNITIES THAT I MISSED OUT ON BECAUSE I FELT I DIDN'T DESERVE THEM!!
I MISS MY DAUGHTER!!
I MISS MY SONS!!
I MISS MY GRANDMOTHER!!

BUT...
I don't miss me......

  you can't miss what you never had or knew????


Guilt is a four letter word....
           and I'm tired of cursing!!!!

Lazy Sunday...

Day off and I wanna do soooo much but I think I'm gonna do the lazy layabout sunday with my guy!!
I wanna cuddle up and watch horror flicks while enjoying cocktails with my babe!

So why does he feel guilty???
we went to the craft fair this morning, ran our errands ( translation hit the package store for vodka, etc) got a movie and now just wanna chill out with him on the couch!!

oh well I don't mind be lazy today..... I have a busy schedule for the next 4 days so couch here I come!

damn.. guess I should get a drink before getting comfortable... oh hell.....honey?!?!

lol  I love being lazy..hehehehehhe

Not Today

WOW!!!  The full moon brings it all out!!!   if only it would resolve it all too!!  ugh!!
Two worlds colliding and I forgot my damn helmet!!!!

I need an outlet and this is it for now I guess.
I need for something to work out soon or I am going to implode!

Focusing on my health right now cause it's failing fast...
I need to be supported.... not reprimanded!
I need to be held.... not pushed away!!
I need to be talked "to" ... not talked "at"!

I can't leave the blinders on any longer..
I need to look forward, but to also see all that is around me as well.

This is my release valve for now....
I know I need to get it out before it eats me alive!
I can type it all out and seeing it in writing helps me to figure out what is in my head.

Maybe one day I will have my sounding board back.
Maybe I will have a shoulder to cry on.
Maybe I will be allowed to speak of or to others without feeling like I have to sneak around.


Maybe one day... but not today : (

Two worlds.. oil & water

Feeling as if I am failing again!!!

Like I have to explain myself and decisions  to everyone!   I know what it means to be stuck between a rock and a hard place!!

If I leave, he wins, and I lose the love of my life,  a great job, and would use again!
If I stay , "he" wins, and I may lose my kids.

I've spent my life trying to please other people!
Living up to their standards..
living by their rules..

I work too much
I don't work enough
I'm too close
I'm too far
I'm not doing enough
I'm doing too much


Why????
 look where this  has gotten me!!


If you love me, then love my independent style
If you love me, then love my strong will
If you love me, then love my logical decisions

If you love me.....then love me!!!

Act 4 Scene 1

So if My life were a play.....

ACT 1 --- A girl brought up in Massachusetts.  Mother, father, sister, brother....or so she thought!  An accident brings out secrets  that leave her head spinning and her world turned upside down....

ACT 2---- Searching for a place to belong, a role that fits this young woman has a child ... a beautiful son. Finding a role that works for her " mom"!  she has unconditional love, and joy in her life. She then has a beautiful daughter making her feel even more complete....or so she thought!  Trying to get ahead and make a better life for her children she feels she is letting everyone down because she is doing all this alone.. no man in her life.  date, marry, then children isn't that the way to do it?????

ACT 3---- She meets " the one"!!  they become best friends, fall in love, get married! They begin life as a family and want to make it better with more children. Life was going to be great, and be happily ever after....or so she thought!!!  A child lost to them and then another turned his world upside down and her into a guilt ridden mess.  a third try results in a beautiful baby boy that all adore!!  2 years later another bouncing baby boy to complete their  happy family but something wasn't right...medical issues with one of the boys puts a strain on the " happy family" testing limits...  They move to start over and work it all out. They can make the happy family life they want after all....or so they thought!!!!

ACT4---- 40 and starting over!!!  Knowing it was in the best interest of the children she had to leave!   Now one almost done college, one going into college, one in a special school that is working wonders, and one confused rebel. She meets a worldly man that will show her that life is for the living!! She falls madly in love. The daughter won't talk to her, the boys like her new man and new lease on life. Sans a few issues, life is going fine, she is happy.... or so she thought!!!


Will she be able to make all those in her life happy???
Will she find a happy medium that all can enjoy??
Will she be able to feel she hasn't let anyone down?
Will she be able to love all in her life as she wants without worry???


And the play goes on.......

Endings...beginnings

Who knew 39 and 40 would be so drastically different!!

39 ... Married for 15 years, Four beautiful children, live in Somersworth NH, assistant manager at Dunkin Donuts. Loved my kids, my friends, my job, and thought I loved my husband.....

40.... Separated ( for a year) , four beautiful, confused children,live in Lincoln NH with my boyfriend, starting a  new job in 2 days ( not with Dunkins)  Love my kids, love my friends(those that are still around), excited about new job, and adore and love my boyfriend....

So many questions, concerns,and worries .......

So I am starting over at 40
Doing things that I feel are right for me, but are they right for all involved??
making mistakes that most usually make in their 20's lol  I'm living my life backwards!

This is the start of my new blog,
start of my new life,
start of my new love,
start of my new questions,
hopefully the start of the new answers I need.

This Life is an unbelievable roller coaster ride ....hoping for long ride consisting of  a few dizzying , short plummets that quickly resolve to a few twists, turns,  a long assent, and finally a long, relaxing, vision filled plateau........

Please buckle your safety belts,  pull down on your brace bars,  get your cameras ready,  and enjoy the ride with me!!!